Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
