I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
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