He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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