just come out here and I will go home with you...
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
