my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
