You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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