shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
