In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
