Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
