would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
