you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Come share oat with me in your robe
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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