theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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