I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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