my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
