I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
