God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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