I cannot find my penis.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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