4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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