i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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