Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
My cat gives me a boner
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize