mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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