I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
