Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
