You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
