you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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