Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
