Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
