But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
