Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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