i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
