My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
