I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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