last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
