I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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