Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
