I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize