im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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