we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
