Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
