I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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