Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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