she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
