Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
is it fun? or sober?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
