i'm signing you up for texting rehab
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
