I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
