oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
