Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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