My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
