Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
