used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
