the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
