My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
