Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
