just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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