Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
