that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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