Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
