I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
