epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
