Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
