my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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