Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
