Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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