My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Michael Bay diarrhea
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
