Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
