Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
