A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
