It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
