Your dad touched me again.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
