i need an iv and a liver transplant
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
