One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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